Michelle.

So this will be the last time I write an entry.
Katimavik is over, and it has taken me quite a few days to acknowledge this. Things have been so technicolour lately. Nothing seems quite how it used to be, so much has changed. I have been sick to my stomach since I got back and I'm sure it has to do with feeling just a little left of center. I really can't begin to describe what a complicated emotional process I've undergone in the last few days. I feel like I've been to hell and back in just a few hours. 

Leaving everyone behind one by one at their gates in the airport was when the pages of this lengthy novel finally spelt out the end. I don't know if I will ever have the chance to write to sequel to the nine months that changed forever who I am, but perhaps thats okay- sequels are never as good anyways... Knowing that my experience was so unique and that nobody will ever understand exactly what it was like is frustrating at times, I know that I will never be able to illustrate what an amazing and challenging time it was. Being alone in my thoughts is also kind of comforting. I have a piece of myself that I can draw from any time I am feeling low or doubtful and nobody can take that away from me. The only people who share my experience are scattered like grains of salt across Canada and someday, maybe even the world- we are messengers of a message people can only imagine, and take strength in, but never really know.  I am so proud that I once again pushed my limits, once again surprised myself.. and that leads me into the most important part of my Katimavik journey, my grandfather.

I completed my Katimavik journey by remembering the promise I made to my grandfather. There were certainly times that it felt almost impossible to go on, times when I was steps away from filling out the release form to go home, but he was there with me. I felt such a guiding force in my life just knowing that I had such an incredible person watching over me, that had given me such strength and determination, such pride and courage. I knew that with all the symbolism my grandfather has to me, there never could have been a great enough reason to quit. I saw daily reminders of him, I truly believe that when times got rough, he was making sure there was not only a lesson but a beauty in the chaos as well. My love for him kept me calm, it made me believe in myself, it made me so proud to be who I am. Thankyou Grandpa.

I guess writing too much would be overkill since I figure this experience will never be done justice in any number of words. It's one of those amazing things in life and I have really realized that those amazing things are happening every day. I am so much more aware of change and possiblity and the beauty of life. I am also so much more aware of me. I appreciate the way my heart feels againt my pillowcase and the way it tingles when my dog licks my cheek. Everything is suddenly in high definition. And even though in its end, my life has been spread apart like a time sheet, I know that it is neither good or bad that nothing is forever. Life is full of hello's and goodbye's..it's in the in between that matters.

I just returned from the most magical weekend ever. Everything was just surreal. I couldn't have asked for a better way to end my Katimavik experience. Instead of feeling the emptiness of parting ways, I am feeling an immense closeness and fulness emotionally and spirtually, I feel so warm and fuzzy that I am bursting at the seams. I start my journey home in not too long, it's really still quite hard to imagine,even now.

The house is almost completely packed. I still can't sleep and my stomach is so constantly nervous, like never before actually. I get sick waking up in the morning from a combination of crazy emotion and a dozen or so nightmears previous to that. I feel like I'm caught in limbo almost. Today is my last day being a teenager and I'm pretty alright with that. I don't know why everyone says things are so different once your 20, things are always so different for me, it doesn't take a birthday to tear my life apart or send me in another direction. I can't wait to party one last time tonight, I bet it will be really intense. Recieving this postcard from my parents made my day!!! :

They are such trendy globetrotters! I miss these beautiful smiles sometimes. Hope your having fun!

Sometimes I am pretty sure I only write for myself, for the theraputic release it gives me considering no ones really reading this anyways....
I cant stop having nightmears, what is up with that? Sometimes it signals that I should just wake up and forget about trying to sleep in, but when it happens at  four a.m waking up is the only option and that is just crappy. I bet it has something to do with all the crazy emotions that are going on inside me, so hopefully this phase will pass because I really miss uninterrupted sleep. 
I got lunch with my host family yesterday and they all came to visit today. They are just fabulous, for sure one of the top five things to miss about Timmins (in fact maybe the only thing)... It snowed here today and I am pretty happy that arriving back in Ottawa will lenghten my summer a little bit since Northern Ontario's summer is totally over and done with. I guess all I really have planned for this weekend is packing and cleaning and dropping some boxes at Liane's house. I might goto my friend Steph's party tomorrow but it is also technically my birthday night so karaoke and shots are in order with Jesse and the crew too, I hope it will be a nice close to things as well as a nice way to say bye to teenagehood (thaaank goodness!!!) We leave on Sunday afternoon for our debriefing which is at Camp Monroe and we stay there until Tuesday afternoon so I won't really get to languish around in Timmins for very much longer at all. I still find this whole closure thing really weird. 
I get nervous thinking about home and certain people and certain situations, it just feels like forever has finally arrived and I'm not sure how much preperation one can accomplish for such an event...?

This is the week of closure, this is it-this is all. I have been spoiled all week with desserts and dinners and lunches. I have experienced so many different emotions over the past few days ranging from extreme excitment when I recieved my travel arrangments and it sunk in I would be seeing all my loved ones so soon to devestation and depression for having to leave my whole being behind, my whole newly aquired family. Today is a particularily exciting day with Dave on his way back from Africa and my parents on their way back from Long Island. I know this doesn't mean much considering I'm still in Timmins but it makes me feel good to know this as part of the bigger picture, we will all be together finally. Amidst packing I have another lunch to go to tomorrow and possibly going out with my host family. I am cramming as much as is humanly possible into these last days. It feels weird to know I will never be house manager again-cooking for ten, that I will never work another Katimavik job, that this time when I pack my suitcase, its for good. I won't have any more PL's or PC's or 3$ a day or learning plans or activities every waking second. This is just so big for me right now. six more days....

I'm going to miss this.

In terms of updates, I went out for a beautiful lunch with all of the staff and students from my first job at Child and Youth Services, another chapter ending....I have begun to start working my way through the tangle of three months worth of teenage life in my room, discovering I have way too much crap and figuring out where to go from there. I have been so emotional lately, but I guess its with good reason, I just cant conjur up how I'm supposed to feel about losing everything I have grown to know. We got our travel arrangments today and for the first time I am actually happy about the way I will be getting home!!! All of this is making my time here feel even shorter though. Tomorrow is our final presentation at the Shania Twain Center and I hope I get to say bye to lots of the people who made these last 3 months special, in particular my amazing host family. I have my eye on this great watch at the mall and every day I tempt myself knowing that my thousand dollar cheque has already entered the Katimavik house. I just want to spoil myself to one nice thing after almost a year of 3$ a day. I miss my parents, knowing that their in the States just makes them feel a million times further away. I miss talking to them on speaker phone- my moms advice and my dads hilarious sense of humour. I can't wait until their home. I guess lifes pretty good right now, but it's definitly going way too fast!

eight days.

I'm so so so so so sick. I cant shake this terrible feeling in my stomach no matter how much sleep I get. I think I should just stop eating since everytime I eat it just gets worse. I talked to Helena on the phone on Friday and realized how soon we will be together again, I am way too excited!!!!

Last night was fun, we had a bit of a disco dance party at the house. I love how our weekend have become such parties lately, it makes me so sad to know there is only one more weekend left. I'm going to miss these kids!!! The group is going to see hairspray in an hour, I hope its good! Although I've been up since 6 this morning being sick.... le joie de vivre. ..

I just finished my last day off at Mattagami Conservation Authority.  I cannot believe I will never have another day of volunteer work during Katimavik! The reality of the end is quickly setting in, I am house manager next week so I plan to just relax and spend time with everyone around me that has been my world for the last 9 months. I wonder what it will be like to say goodbye to everyone in just eleven days. I guess thats something that won't hit me until I'm standing there saying those last words. We are, as usual, quite busy since it is the end of a trimester (and the program this time around). I like being busy but I also find it hard to savour every second. I never thought I could have such a strong sense of nervous anticipation this early on but I guess this will be life changing, everything I have come to know and grow comfortable with will soon be taken away from me in one bus ride. Wow, just wow..this experience is like nothing else, thats for damn sure. 

PS- I have already started organizing my BC tour, I am so excited!!!

I seem to have come down with something. I'm officially not able to eat or drink anything without losing it right after. I went home from work at noon today, which marks the first day I've had to leave for illness, so I guess thats not too bad although I've only got 2 days left there now so I feel kind of guilty. I just hate being sick. I have a very low tolerance for it, I really need to be on the go or else I just seize up and things get worse. 
As for my emotional issues, I am dealing with them and realizing I was a lot more at fault then I thought. I am not embarassed or ashamed by this, I am so glad I noticed my bad and was able to build a stronger foundation out of my mistakes. I guess it isn't so much a cut and dry issue, but I am feeling a lot better with everything and I have confidence it will all work out in one way or another.
This whole experience is so close to the end, I got caught in a thunderstorm yesterday and my heart was skipping beats as I heard the lightening getting closer. I realized the beauty and fragility of life and how everything can really change so quickly. When I got home I sat in my underwear and drank a glass of wine while listening to the sheets of water falling outside. I really am not a rain or lightening person but I realized one thing- that I had found comfort here, and that no matter how close or not so close my katimavik counterparts are with me, we are family. This is where I have made not only my home, but my life and my growth in the last 9 months. I am really not sure what that will do to me when this over. I guess I'm a bit nervous, but its being shadowed by excitment right now. This whole situation does weird things to your perception of life and love towards strangers and just how adaptable we can be. It's a blessing in disguise, a rollercoaster ride.

My whole Katimavik experience changed for the worse last night. It was coming for awhile, but its finally here. I am actually so hurt, so incredibly shocked and betrayed and sad I have been having trouble breathing. I feel so alone and for the first time I'm having trouble dealing with it independantly. I don't even want to talk about it, I have fallen apart and I don't know where to start picking up the pieces. I need home so badly right now. I need familiar things and people I can actually trust. I am so tired of being a throw toy to the people around me.

I think about home every day at this point. It keeps me going. It makes me insane. It makes me smile.
Yesterday was my favourite day and night in all of Katimavik.
I see changes in everything around me.
I have put an end to a really big part of my life for the last 9 months today. I don't know how I feel now, but it will be okay.
I'm just generally okay. I recover a lot faster for sure.
In  fact, I'm mostly awesome and blown away by all the greatness around me and within me.
seventeen days left and I don't sense a slow down. 

life is beautiful.
choices, mistakes, scrapes, falls, wrong turns, hard lessons..all of it.
I never thought I'd say it, but I am one lucky girl.

Lucy's house was awesome! Swimming in the sunset and girl talk in the sauna with late night board games and snacks in the gazebo. Annnnd we're doing it all again tomorrow.        

I'm just feeling on top of the world lately.                                   

Life is continually great. I saw this really cheesy sign while driving with Dan yesterday. It read: "Having trouble sleeping? Why not count your blessings?" Really lame, but so seriously true. Life is just good way more then we understand for the most part. I got accepted into a place for next year and its so warm and sunny right now and just things feel good.  I am really happy with how much I've grown over the past while (mainly since Educo) and how much more positive I am now. It's really satisfying when your personal growth starts to become self evident. 

Today was exciting, we had to chase a bear and save Timmins once again. The wildlife here is totally on the rebellious side lately. I just love being outside, its so great, especially when Northern Ontario is serving up the rare treat of nice weather, you really need to savour it.  This can be said about all in life- everything is really a rare treat and nothing is promised so savour it right until the last drop. Just let your head clear every once and awhile. Breath when it gets a bit hectic. Reflect when it gets a bit too surreal. It's just life after all. 

I really want the Marvin Gaye cd for my birthday. He is just so incredibly sexy to me. Im also going to start saving up for a possible Halifax trip  to visit one of the girls in my group and drink beers at the tavern or BC to see all my Educo counterparts (maybe get a summer job there?) in the coming year (I'm dreaming big but thats nothing new, it helps me keep going...) So yeah, get a cold drink and enjoy it all! 

until later!

It was really beautiful to hear the few responses I recieved about people that are admired. i think in little ways, I grow to admire new people every single day. Some people are pretty permanent and some people are just passing thoughts but it's pretty remarkable how the simplest gestures can impact your life sometimes.

My week of house managing is over finally. Over the past week I became an insane neat freak which are words I never thought I'd use to describe myself. I just have this drive and understanding of how important it is to mental health as well as physical health when your house is clean. It actually effects my overall mood which is something I'd never noticed before- I am more motivated and calm when my surroundings are neat and well organized.  Seems like a pretty obvious statement but I had neglected it up until this week pretty well...

This weekend was amazing for me. On Friday we had a big party at the house for Megans birthday and it was absolutely brilliant. The neighbours got involved and it was just really great to have everyone together again after billeting to laugh and dance and just do what we do. On Saturday we went go karting and mini golfing, which is something I havn't done in a long time. I think this was another great way to bring the group together and enjoy a beautiful Saturday. Today we went to Kirkland Lake to the Hockey Heritage Museum. It was really interesting and a lot better than I had thought it would be. Apparently quite a few great hockey players have hailed from the north end of Ontario! 

This week I am at my job alone for the first time since Ryan is house manager. I am a bit anxious and curious as to what I will be doing, but I'm sure it will be fine. I just cant believe there are only 3 weeks left in the program and I have only 9 days of work left! I am getting really excited to start all the new adventures in my life but also really nervous to finish this one since it is all I have known for the last 8 odd months. I feel like every day is a changing day and every day is just getting better and better right now.  Even with the downs, I am really clinging to every last day of the program because I realize how precious and numbered they are. I cant go back and change this time, so I am just taking it for what it's worth. 

LIFES GOOD.

I admire a lot of people, this is just a short list that comes to mind though: 

My Dad
My Mom
My Grandfather (whom I'm dedicating this experience to)
My Grandmother
Ani DiFranco
Michael Franti
Stu, Anne, Brent, Garret and Kate (and all the others) from Educo
Helena Chouchani
David Seal

I think it's really good to sit back once and awhile and think about the people we admire, those people who have changed us and shaped us. Those people who have stood by us and cried with us and loved us like no other. I'd love to know who your romodels are?

I need this sweater. Someone PLEASE order this for me. It is sweatshop free, and all the profits go to support my favourite artists activism movement and independant artists alike. So gorgeous. PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE?


Anyways, I'm totally going through a phase right now. Its almost 11pm and I got called to go out for drinks and then hit the bars but I am just not digging it. I want to sit at home and cuddle myself. I am so into being alone lately.
hmph.

anyways, the sweater PLEASEEEE. hah

I'm leaving to go camping for the whole weekend today. It is really great I am getting both Friday and Monday as vacation, I have been working my bum off lately and have the scars to show for it too.

I have been concentrating on outside issues a little bit too much lately and I'm making myself go crazy. I don't know anything about being in love, or a healthy relationship anymore and I am pretty sure I am not able to make appropriate decisions involving men anymore. I think it's good I'm single and focusing on myself but my mind has been wandering and distractions are definitly present, this makes me a bit uneasy. 

I just want things to be normal sometimes. I have lost all sense of comfort zones in this program. I can make myself adapt to any situation, any type of person, any job and I think thats so wonderful, but it also makes me long for something certain in my life. I think thats why I am starting to get a bit lonely. I want someone here that I know wont leave, I am totally lacking that right now.Quite honestly, it all has its moments but I am just starting to feel so distant from my group and I'm really starting to lack interest in being around them most days. I am totally dreading returning to the house on Monday. Luckily I've made some pretty radical friends in Timmins and I'm hoping they will occupy my weekends and evenings because Katimavik is just wearing thin right now.

Anyways, one month until I'm twenty and this whole things over! WOOO. GOGO MICHELLE!

I keep getting taller, its making me really self concious. I stick out like a sore thumb everywhere I go. If I hit 6" I am going to freak out. I am finally starting to let go of my reservations about my body and I am feeling pretty liberated. I just hate being a freaking giant when all the boys around me are obviously only into barbies who might have 6" necks but have 2" bodies. Ohhhh dear.

The bugs are still bad at work. I'm still busting my butt like no other. I love my billet family (check out my new facebook pictures!) Things are just flying by and I cannot wait to start the next chapter. We had our first summer like day today and that gets me all jittery.
jittery 
jittery
jittery
I am sooo 12 years old.
I think I'm going to start writing music. I have a lot to say you know...

peace and love. xo

I'm overwhelmed, but in a good sort of way, it just feels like my life is a series of pictures and I'm watching them fly out the window with the wind. I havn't had two seconds to relax since i got back from Ottawa, and when billeting is over there will only be one month of Katimavik left.

Sometimes I can't help but think everyones forgetting about me. Lately I have decided to just be more real with myself.  I am changing a lot. I think its been a slow progression but lately I'm not afraid to be the tattooed, socks with sandals, raspy boy voiced girl. I just am what I am, thats total serenity if you ask me. I am ready to take on life from a new angle and once this whole experience is over, I am going to change a lot of things in my life. I am ready to start over with a lot of my life projects and approaches and like I said, be more real. 

I LOOOOOVE my host family, we totally click. We have been keeping super busy with different functions. Last night we had a huge family BBQ at the house and then when everyone left, Laurie and I watched some movies. Today we went to Iroquois Falls and I think tonight we might have an adult night...hmmm. Tomorrow, John, Ada and I are going fishing. This is suchhhhh a nice break!

Life's good. Growing up is good. Figuring out those little things that make life easier and more sensical are also good. I just wish I spent more time writing, I really miss it. But I know it will always be there for me and come August, I'll be back into it. 

sigggh....!

sudbury was awesome! staying up all night partying with musicians, and jamming with reggea bands. I also fell in love, which seems to be happening to me quite frequently as of late....
my host family is amazing so far. they are totally rocking my world. we have all kinds of cool things planned for the next 2 weeks and I couldnt be more thrilled.
works been hard, continual rain and insane bugs and being the only women in a male dominated profession, but I'm working it and my stubborn pride won't let me quit (yet!)

things are pretty good right now, I just wish I could catch up on sleep.

I guess thats it!!! Hope everyone having a good wednesday!!